Another Chapter

Many things have happened to change me in the last few years. I wasn't always comfortable with the changes and often I fought against them because of the anxiety that the change brought for me. The end of a six year relationship can be very difficult in the first place but when it involves marriage it becomes more complicated.

I didn't see the end coming and it all happened very quickly. Looking back, I smile at my former self. I was lost for so long and I didn't want to accept it. I went through all of the steps of grief and experienced every part of the pain that I needed to go through. I was never told how important it was to actually go through each and every life experience at the moment that it was happening. It is a profound feeling to be truly angry, sad, happy and whatever else there might be. Wallow in it, bask in the feeling and then when you are ready...move on!

This post is not to harp on the negative aspects of the relationship. Instead, I am focusing on the things that the relationship and my ex taught me.

1) I am much stronger than everyone thought I was. Truly. Everyone thought I would crumble and fall at the emotional upset. I even believed that I would but I didn't. I am strong.

2) Sometimes your world needs to be turned upside down in order for you to wake up. I was hibernating for a long time and simply going through the motions. I am fully awake now because my perfect world was rattled. I am aware and thankful for his actions because they changed my perspective on nearly everything.

3) I rely on myself. I can provide for myself and I am capable of doing anything on my own.

4) Alone. It is NOT a scary word anymore. Society puts pressure on people to couple up but we don't take the time to explore ourselves.

5) I am open to new thoughts and new ways of life. I have changed tremendously and my eyes have opened to very new paths. I have met amazing people because of this.

6) My heart chakra is now open. I am willing to receive and give love. I am willing to trust people even though I was "betrayed".

7) I am aware that at any moment in my life I can change the situation I am in.

8) Mindfulness has become a way of life. I check in to see where I am at emotionally and physically several times throughout the day. I take a moment to just breathe.

9) I live in gratitude. I am grateful for waking up this morning. I am grateful for every moment that I get to live this life.

10) I am not always in control. This is a big one. We can't control everything and that's a good thing. Life is a series of events and it is the journey that is of importance. We are allowed to just go with the flow. This was a difficult lesson for me because I have always been very type A. I work on relinquishing control each day.


Thank you for allowing me to find myself and experience life. Without your abrupt move, this change would not have happened. I am grateful.

Personal Mandala

I was looking through a book and found this personal goal mandala. I liked it because the author discussed how easy it was to create something like this. I made one for myself and it pleases me to take a moment each day to look at the art and the words that inspire me to move forward.

Anahata

My heart opened yesterday. It was astounding and powerful. I tend to have an inner battle between my ego and my heart. Which one rules? It all depends!

This past weekend I was involved in a discussion regarding the various functions that the heart chakra has and those include love, compassion, balance and peace. When a person's heart chakra is blocked it makes it difficult to accept and embrace love. This doesn't have to be a conventional love between two people but more like an all encompassing love of our surroundings and ourselves. Further, the heart chakra when it opens and expands allows for us to feel a sense of balance and peace. Love NEEDS balance! Healthy love, healthy relationships all need balance. This chakra can give us this fundamental balance. It is all interconnected. Can you feel it?

Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk and a very intense feeling rose through my chest and expanded all around me. I was unsure what was happening but I was in a state of euphoria. I basked in this profound feeling and let it wash over me as I would let the sun warm me on a hot day. My ego was lifted maybe even temporarily forgotten. I didn't rationalize any of it. I just knew that it was something that had to be shared. My heart was open and had not been in a long time. I took that opportunity and with further impulse, hugged another person.

What I felt after that was the equivalent of the feeling one might receive upon entering Elysium. A natural high, an abundance of peace and every part of me wanted to stay in that hug; which had created an impenetrable sphere where no judgment or time could pass. The actual touch lasted no more than fifteen seconds. I didn't want to pull away. Maybe I had left my physical body and all the judgments that were in my head. Whatever it was, I wanted more and the feeling persisted throughout the day.

Bathed in the light, basking in the energy and peace; I smiled. Ego was silent but only temporarily.

The voices of the ego arouse again and I tried to rationalize everything that I felt. Why did that happen? How could it have happened at that time? Did it mean something? There are no answers and maybe there aren't meant to be.

I can understand the need to share energy and the importance of touch and I was reminded when I least expected it.

Abundance of Wealth

"I'm poor" "I have no money" "My debts are burying me alive" "I will never be able to afford (fill in the blank)"

These are not new thoughts. We all worry about this at one point or another. Sometimes it becomes a disease that infests our minds because we repeat these words over and over to ourselves. It might be true that the bank account is low or maybe in the negative. I've been there. I've felt the desperation and the choking feeling of debt and it is not pleasant. Not only that but the dialogue that I end up having with other people is one of desperation as well. They add to the conversation of lacking money, which leads to other complicated discussions of what we do or do not have in our lives.

We are in a tough economic time right now. It is very easy to max out our credit cards, live paycheck to paycheck and allow the crushing depression of this reality to stand on our shoulders. But what if we slightly altered our reality? Instead of repeating the words "I have no money" every day we can change the dialogue to "I have an abundance of wealth". At first it will be difficult to do so and it might even seem impossible. It is so hard to change the way that our mind naturally flows. 

Let me share my experience. I work and I have debt. Sometimes it feels like the debt doesn't want to go away. A lot of circumstances in my life have led to living paycheck to paycheck. I've had to prioritize on several occasions. 

So here we go, every morning I repeat the phrases, "I have an abundance of wealth" and "I am surrounded by wealth". Technically it is true! I am surrounded by a wealth of family, friends, nature and love. I have altered my perspective so that I can move forward and not be held back by a crippling fear. Using this mentality coupled with some debt tactics, I am moving forward in reducing my wealth and I am constantly surrounded by an abundance of wealth!

Namaste.

Critical Mind

I used to draw all the time when I was young. It was just something that I enjoyed doing. It kept my mind busy and I wasn't too bad at it either. As time wore on, I became too busy to draw. Life got serious and I put my colored pencils aside and became serious with it.

Over the last several years I have picked up drawing and painting again but I have noticed a difference. My critical mind fusses over every line and shade that I put on paper or canvas. I would draw something and then I would immediately throw it away because it was not good enough. I never showed anyone my work either. I was afraid of the reactions that I would receive. Once in a while I did show my work to someone and as they complimented me, I would interrupt by saying "It's not very good" or "I just did it for fun, I'm not an expert". I would shift around uncomfortably as they looked at my work and then I would quickly take it away from them.

Five years ago I couldn't sleep for several months. I would lay in bed and look at the ceiling until the sun came up. I watched every show on television, listened to meditation music and exercised but nothing put me to sleep. One day, I went to the art store and bought several canvases and paint on a whim. I put them in the corner of my room and that same night I began to paint. My insomnia served as my inspiration and I couldn't stop myself once I started painting. I didn't think at all. I felt every stroke of the brush on the canvas and was delighted that I was allowing all the emotions I had bottled up come rushing out. Within a few nights I had six pieces of artwork and at that point I felt as though I had expressed myself the way that I needed to.

I chose to admire my work and even framed my pieces. I touched the canvas and stared at what I had created. There was no specific technique or method but it made sense to me. A few years after that, I allowed my work to be displayed at the Women's Center at my former school. I allowed everyone to see me. It was something that I had not allowed in a long time. My soul was cloaked and I bared it all. It was so liberating and frightening at the same time!

Letting go of the critical mind is not an easy thing to do. I have to work on it daily but it is worth it. To have a moment to allow the mind to stop criticizing and start enjoying is divine.

And Then I looked Up

I didn't want to get out of bed today. It was dark and dreary and I had barely slept all night. Nightmares had kept me in an anxious state of mind so any sleep that came was shrouded in frivolous thoughts and fears. I opened my eyes this morning and I didn't want to move. My bed was toasty and it was so cold outside. My dogs were perched on the bed peering at me. I knew that if I moved then they would expect food so I continued to lay on my back and looked around me without turning my head. A few minutes later, one of the dogs moved closer and started licking my hand. For a brief moment I felt an urgency to get up and then annoyance that I would have to bundle up and walk. I put my hand on the side of my dogs face and peered into his beautiful blue eyes. It was time to get up.

With shoulders down and a cloudy eye I fed the dogs and then grumbled as I put my boots on. I always wore many layers because I knew that twenty degree weather was not something to mess with and I didn't want to catch a cold. Leggings, jeans, boots, t-shirt, sweatshirt, coat, hat and gloves. After connecting the leashes to the dogs' collars I opened the door. A blistering gust of wind hit me right in the face and took my breath away. Instantly I was shaking. We began walking and I dragged my feet. There was ice everywhere and I had fallen one too many times so I moved at a slow pace. I kept my eyes on the ground, trying to avoid the wind. It felt like it was whipping my cheeks and entering my bones. I was agitated by this and wanted the walk to be over so desperately.

I was feeling miserable and I was unsure why. I knew that I was feeling drained and that I had a lack of sleep. I was feeling sorry for myself. Geez, who else in the world had to wake up so early, bundle up and walk their dogs in the icy tundra! Life seemed so unfair and I was the only person walking that icy road.
As I continued to bask in the glory of my misery, another gust of wind tossed my hood aside. I fumbled, reached for it and then I looked up.

The sun had come up and beautiful shades of orange were gloriously painting the sky. Everything was silent and I stopped in my tracks. The various hues of blue, orange and purple were refreshing. I couldn't help but smile and after a moment of silence, I noticed a large group of birds move across the sky. They were elegant and serene.

All my misery washed away because of the glory of what was surrounding me. I hadn't even noticed it because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and looking at the ground. I almost missed the majesty that was all around me. Almost instantly I began walking faster with a big smile on my face. My dogs picked up on my mood and started walking proudly forward. The negativity that I felt earlier was gone. Lifted from my shoulders.

Looking up saved me from having a day of sadness and misery. From one moment to the next my mood was altered because of the beautiful earth.

Energy Vampire

I usually have an abundance of energy. I wake up in the morning and feel energetic and ready to take on the world. I'm certainly a morning person and have always been. For three weeks, it felt like I had nothing left within. It was the oddest thing. I would wake up, sprawled across my bed with zero zest. I pulled my clothes on, walked the dogs and drove to work. Work was misery as well! I tried to stay awake and noticed that little things were irking me. I was not my typical social self either. Everything was a haze and I simply had nothing to offer to anyone. This is odd because I am always the person who people come to for advice. I listen, examine and give some sort of inspiration. It made me sad when I realized that I was not the lack of energy was causing my friends to stay away. Finally, it culminated when I admitted that I was unwell. The winter had done a number on me and I had a chest cold, flu and achy muscles. All the things that I was doing to get better didn't appear to be working so my energy went lower and lower.

One day I bounced back. I could feel that the energy was rising. This came after I accepted that I was physically sick and that I needed to give my body a rest. I spent an entire weekend in bed. I needed the sleep and my body thanked me for it. Sometimes we want so hard to fight the illness that the fight itself takes away all of our energy. I accepted my lowered immune system and stopped working so hard to fix it. Instead, I let my body fix itself. We can't always control everything and illness may be a way for the body to tell us to slow down. I certainly slowed down because I had no choice. 

For those three weeks I was not myself but eventually I gave my body what it needed. Peace. Silence. Serenity. I turned the lights out in my room, put an eye pillow on my eyes with the smell of lavender relaxing me and I allowed my body to pull me to slumber. 

I'm back now and I'm feeling cheerful as usual but I now know that it is pointless to fight against my own body. It knows what it needs and I must listen.