Another Chapter

Many things have happened to change me in the last few years. I wasn't always comfortable with the changes and often I fought against them because of the anxiety that the change brought for me. The end of a six year relationship can be very difficult in the first place but when it involves marriage it becomes more complicated.

I didn't see the end coming and it all happened very quickly. Looking back, I smile at my former self. I was lost for so long and I didn't want to accept it. I went through all of the steps of grief and experienced every part of the pain that I needed to go through. I was never told how important it was to actually go through each and every life experience at the moment that it was happening. It is a profound feeling to be truly angry, sad, happy and whatever else there might be. Wallow in it, bask in the feeling and then when you are ready...move on!

This post is not to harp on the negative aspects of the relationship. Instead, I am focusing on the things that the relationship and my ex taught me.

1) I am much stronger than everyone thought I was. Truly. Everyone thought I would crumble and fall at the emotional upset. I even believed that I would but I didn't. I am strong.

2) Sometimes your world needs to be turned upside down in order for you to wake up. I was hibernating for a long time and simply going through the motions. I am fully awake now because my perfect world was rattled. I am aware and thankful for his actions because they changed my perspective on nearly everything.

3) I rely on myself. I can provide for myself and I am capable of doing anything on my own.

4) Alone. It is NOT a scary word anymore. Society puts pressure on people to couple up but we don't take the time to explore ourselves.

5) I am open to new thoughts and new ways of life. I have changed tremendously and my eyes have opened to very new paths. I have met amazing people because of this.

6) My heart chakra is now open. I am willing to receive and give love. I am willing to trust people even though I was "betrayed".

7) I am aware that at any moment in my life I can change the situation I am in.

8) Mindfulness has become a way of life. I check in to see where I am at emotionally and physically several times throughout the day. I take a moment to just breathe.

9) I live in gratitude. I am grateful for waking up this morning. I am grateful for every moment that I get to live this life.

10) I am not always in control. This is a big one. We can't control everything and that's a good thing. Life is a series of events and it is the journey that is of importance. We are allowed to just go with the flow. This was a difficult lesson for me because I have always been very type A. I work on relinquishing control each day.


Thank you for allowing me to find myself and experience life. Without your abrupt move, this change would not have happened. I am grateful.

Cultivate Patience

I have always struggled with patience. I’ve set goals for every day of my life and for ten years down the future. What has happened along the way is that if those goals have not been met in a timely manner I have become deeply frustrated and upset with myself. I also noticed that I was always tense trying to make these self-imposed deadlines. Everything was planned. I knew I wanted to get my masters and then my law degree and so on and so forth. I had it all pegged down to a science. For a long time, this plan did work. I kept adding new goals and plans and I felt elated each time something would come to fruition.

What I didn’t plan on was illness. I had several unexpected visits to the hospital and was told that it was stress induced. The problem with my attitude was that I wanted to do so many things that I would burn out. I didn’t take a moment to look at the trees and feel the warm breeze on my skin. I was never fully nourished. I have now recognized that my goals were fantastic but my methods were not. I could never fully quench my thirst or desires. I needed more, more, more. Even illness and repeated doctors’ visits did not change my mind. Instead, I woke up one day and was unhappy. I felt hollow and unfulfilled. I had completed so many of the tasks that I had wanted to and should have been proud of myself. Instead, I was wallowing in misery. I was miserable because I didn’t grant myself time and patience. I couldn’t really experience all the beauty and commitment that went in to all of my efforts because I passed them by without a glance back. What’s the point in getting everything you want but not stop during the journey to recognize the beauty of it?

Patience is something I work on every day. Sometimes I am stuck in traffic and I want to veer in and out of lanes because someone is moving entirely too slow. Other times I want one chapter of my life to end so that I can fast forward to the next. This used to be my state of mind ALL the time! But with practice I have learned to cultivate patience.

Each morning I wake up, stretch, salute the universe and fill my heart with gratitude. I walk my dogs and move slowly so that I can breathe in the air and look at the sky. I move at a slow pace and allow myself patience, which in turn gives my dogs a better sense of peace. They know when I am angry and impatient, trying to force them to hurry up with their business.

I have to catch myself at times. One time I wanted the results of a test so badly that I made myself sick with worry. I couldn’t relax or think of anything else. I was a complete monster!  When I received the results, they were not what I wanted and my impatience turned to bitterness. Bitterness is not fruitful. It leads to disease and other ailments.

The next time I waited for results for another exam I decided that I would busy myself with daily activities instead of obsessing over something completely out of my control. I became so relaxed that I did not even realize that the results were available. I was a winner in this scenario because I received the results that I wanted and I didn’t lose sleep over it!

My advice is that when you start feeling frazzled or impatient just stop the obsessive thoughts by taking a deep fulfilling breath. I have known many women who were frantic with impatience because their significant others were not proposing marriage fast enough. One of them even scared her mate away with her persistent badgering. Instead of doing this to yourself and the ones you love, why not work hard at what you can control and just let the other pieces fall in to place? It’s not always an easy task and I have to remind myself daily to slow down.

It is not the result that is important but the journey you take to achieve the result!!!