Some Gentle Advice

I have learned that empathy is not inherent in everyone. I have always been an extremely empathetic person, even placing other people before myself. It made me feel good to be able to help another figure out what their burdens or obstacles were. It's absolutely important to put a limit on your actions and that is something that I am constantly working on. I want to make sure that I show that I care and act on it but at the same time I don't want to get swallowed up in someone else's misery. 

A time of crisis is when we need our friends to come together and be at the ready. I don't ask much but it's nice to hear someone rally on your side even when everything seems bleak. Putting yourself in the place of another is essential in making this work. If you knew how someone was feeling or at least attempted to understand it then you would appreciate that abrasive words and a dismissive attitude are the worst possible way to help another. 

Here are a few things that I feel are helpful when someone is in need.

1) Listen. Don't just pretend to listen. Actually listen to what is being said to you.

2) Look. Make and maintain eye contact and pay attention to body language. Sometimes we communicate disinterest simply by crossing our arms and appearing standoffish. 

3) Don't be condescending. In my hour of need I have heard people make comments that came off very judgmentally. No one wants to be spoken down to and certainly not when they are sad. 

4) Never say "I told you so". Now is not the time to be matter of fact even if you did predict the exact outcome.

5) Give a hug if a hug is wanted. The human touch is very energizing and healing. It could help to give a simple embrace. However, there are some people who don't enjoy being touched so be aware and respect the space. 

6) Be a positive person but don't feel like you have to overdo it. I think that being genuine is important but throwing in some positive words and energy is helpful when times are tough. A lot of people tend to focus on only the negative and sometimes they need someone else to point out just one positive thing. I draw from nature and point out a flower, a butterfly, the trees, etc. Sometimes this annoys people who don't have a lot of positive self talk so I try to limit it if it doesn't feel right.

7) Be available. No you don't have to be available ALL the time but show that you care and offer to shop, eat or whatever else if it makes your friend feel better.

8) Send a care package. Sometimes rough patches last a long time. Why not send a card or flowers? I have sent boxes with movies, music, silly cards, coloring books, etc. Be silly! People appreciate this because it shows that you are willing to take an extra step to brighten someones day.

9) Be a cheerleader. You are on their side without pointing blame or speaking negatively or gossiping. 

10) Vocalize your love. Tell your friend that you love them. We can never get enough love! Spread the love and say it aloud! 

We can all support each other. Bad times come and go. It's life! 

Cultivate Patience

I have always struggled with patience. I’ve set goals for every day of my life and for ten years down the future. What has happened along the way is that if those goals have not been met in a timely manner I have become deeply frustrated and upset with myself. I also noticed that I was always tense trying to make these self-imposed deadlines. Everything was planned. I knew I wanted to get my masters and then my law degree and so on and so forth. I had it all pegged down to a science. For a long time, this plan did work. I kept adding new goals and plans and I felt elated each time something would come to fruition.

What I didn’t plan on was illness. I had several unexpected visits to the hospital and was told that it was stress induced. The problem with my attitude was that I wanted to do so many things that I would burn out. I didn’t take a moment to look at the trees and feel the warm breeze on my skin. I was never fully nourished. I have now recognized that my goals were fantastic but my methods were not. I could never fully quench my thirst or desires. I needed more, more, more. Even illness and repeated doctors’ visits did not change my mind. Instead, I woke up one day and was unhappy. I felt hollow and unfulfilled. I had completed so many of the tasks that I had wanted to and should have been proud of myself. Instead, I was wallowing in misery. I was miserable because I didn’t grant myself time and patience. I couldn’t really experience all the beauty and commitment that went in to all of my efforts because I passed them by without a glance back. What’s the point in getting everything you want but not stop during the journey to recognize the beauty of it?

Patience is something I work on every day. Sometimes I am stuck in traffic and I want to veer in and out of lanes because someone is moving entirely too slow. Other times I want one chapter of my life to end so that I can fast forward to the next. This used to be my state of mind ALL the time! But with practice I have learned to cultivate patience.

Each morning I wake up, stretch, salute the universe and fill my heart with gratitude. I walk my dogs and move slowly so that I can breathe in the air and look at the sky. I move at a slow pace and allow myself patience, which in turn gives my dogs a better sense of peace. They know when I am angry and impatient, trying to force them to hurry up with their business.

I have to catch myself at times. One time I wanted the results of a test so badly that I made myself sick with worry. I couldn’t relax or think of anything else. I was a complete monster!  When I received the results, they were not what I wanted and my impatience turned to bitterness. Bitterness is not fruitful. It leads to disease and other ailments.

The next time I waited for results for another exam I decided that I would busy myself with daily activities instead of obsessing over something completely out of my control. I became so relaxed that I did not even realize that the results were available. I was a winner in this scenario because I received the results that I wanted and I didn’t lose sleep over it!

My advice is that when you start feeling frazzled or impatient just stop the obsessive thoughts by taking a deep fulfilling breath. I have known many women who were frantic with impatience because their significant others were not proposing marriage fast enough. One of them even scared her mate away with her persistent badgering. Instead of doing this to yourself and the ones you love, why not work hard at what you can control and just let the other pieces fall in to place? It’s not always an easy task and I have to remind myself daily to slow down.

It is not the result that is important but the journey you take to achieve the result!!!