Critical Mind

I used to draw all the time when I was young. It was just something that I enjoyed doing. It kept my mind busy and I wasn't too bad at it either. As time wore on, I became too busy to draw. Life got serious and I put my colored pencils aside and became serious with it.

Over the last several years I have picked up drawing and painting again but I have noticed a difference. My critical mind fusses over every line and shade that I put on paper or canvas. I would draw something and then I would immediately throw it away because it was not good enough. I never showed anyone my work either. I was afraid of the reactions that I would receive. Once in a while I did show my work to someone and as they complimented me, I would interrupt by saying "It's not very good" or "I just did it for fun, I'm not an expert". I would shift around uncomfortably as they looked at my work and then I would quickly take it away from them.

Five years ago I couldn't sleep for several months. I would lay in bed and look at the ceiling until the sun came up. I watched every show on television, listened to meditation music and exercised but nothing put me to sleep. One day, I went to the art store and bought several canvases and paint on a whim. I put them in the corner of my room and that same night I began to paint. My insomnia served as my inspiration and I couldn't stop myself once I started painting. I didn't think at all. I felt every stroke of the brush on the canvas and was delighted that I was allowing all the emotions I had bottled up come rushing out. Within a few nights I had six pieces of artwork and at that point I felt as though I had expressed myself the way that I needed to.

I chose to admire my work and even framed my pieces. I touched the canvas and stared at what I had created. There was no specific technique or method but it made sense to me. A few years after that, I allowed my work to be displayed at the Women's Center at my former school. I allowed everyone to see me. It was something that I had not allowed in a long time. My soul was cloaked and I bared it all. It was so liberating and frightening at the same time!

Letting go of the critical mind is not an easy thing to do. I have to work on it daily but it is worth it. To have a moment to allow the mind to stop criticizing and start enjoying is divine.