Mind Over Matters

Sometimes being positive isn’t enough. Tidal waves of negativity surround us, engulf us until we can no longer see or hear anything but the negativity. These forces are powerful and they drown our inner voice. Perhaps our inner voice is a part of the negativity. The thickness of the dark cloud can infect the mind. There was a time when the physical sickness and mental anguish that my mother went through invaded every part of my life. I was paralyzed with fear and every thought that I had was negative. I couldn’t fight the thought that she was going to die. She was struggling through cancer and the chemotherapy was changing her on a daily basis. I watched as her body changed, as her attitude changed and how the strain of the illness ravaged our family. There were days I was angry and days I couldn’t stop the tears. I had every right to be angry and dismayed but I didn’t know what to do with those emotions. They were unproductive and they ultimately damaged my life. Riddled with anxiety and fear, not only could I not help my mother but I also forgot who I was.

One or two negative thoughts can quickly spread to much more than that. They can become a part of your existence if you let them. I allowed them to follow me minute by minute, day by day. My mother survived the cancer. Sadly, I didn’t realize how fantastic it was that she was cured as I was stuck in the cycle of negativity. How could I probably rejoice when I was stuck in misery? My fear was that she would get sick again and that this time she wouldn’t survive. Instead of spending time with her and being gracious for the moments we shared, I was fraught with worry. Luckily this story doesn’t end on a negative note. She is still alive and kicking and has built a better life for herself.

On the other hand, it took me a very long time to come to grips with my own problems. I realized that the only way that I could get over my crippling fear was to actually accept the fact that the cycle of life is natural and inevitable. We are born and then we die. It’s not a callous concept to recognize and accept. It is simply a fact. I had to admit that my mother would one day die and that I would have to accept that.

This was very difficult for me. I fought the notion and found myself confused and sad. One night, I accepted it. However, it didn’t take just one night to accept it. It took several nights that became weeks. One never knows how long it will take to accept things in our life that create such anxiety. I had to learn to heal on my own.

First, accept your fear. Whatever it may be it is valid in your mind. Even if it is not rationale, it is still a fear that you possess. So take a moment and listen to your thoughts. Accept them and whatever feelings they may cause. I think that sometimes the acceptance phase may last longer than a few days. I know that I had to accept by constantly thinking about the fear that was gripping me so tightly.

Second, wallow in your fear. Yes, it seems odd but you need to accept and then embrace whatever it is that is crippling you. You need to know the feeling that you get each time this thought is invoked. What does the fear do to you? Ok, great! Now you know exactly what is going on in your mind and in the pit of your stomach.

Third, consider whether there is something you can do about this fear. My fear was completely out of my control. There is nothing that I could do to prevent sickness or death. When it comes to these things I am ultimately powerless. We all are. So in my case, there was nothing in this world I could do to change the fate of those I love.

Fourth, let it go. Try to let it go. It won’t necessarily happen overnight but you will reach a point of satisfaction once you are able to see more clearly.

Fifth, replace your fear with something positive. Change the negative way you speak to yourself about the fear. Find a hobby or a mantra that can replace your anxious thoughts.

Sixth, repeat! Always try to find your way back to a positive notion even when there is something so heavy weighing on you. It took a very long time for me to be get through my unfounded fear and I always have to remind myself that I am not in control of such situations.

Tunnel vision and waves of fear will always stop us from reaching our full potential. On the other hand, we are allowed to worry and we are allowed to feel. Just don’t let it get out of control. Recognize and admit all of this so that you can move forward with happier moments in your life.

Alter The Conversation

In order to change how we look at the world we must change the way we view the world and ourselves. Negative self talk appears a lot more than we realize. What is negative self talk? It's telling yourself that you're no good, that you're stupid, not pretty enough, etc. When you tell yourself these things on a daily basis it becomes your reality.

Some of these notions are so ingrained in our belief system that we don't even realize it anymore. One time someone asked me what I did for a living and I answered with an unsatisfied tone and rolled my eyes. I didn't know that I had done this and she quickly pointed it out to me. She asked me why I spoke so negatively about the work that I did. I told her that I hadn't said a word. She then told me that I didn't need to say a word but that it was in my gestures, expressions and posture. I was absolutely stunned. I couldn't think of what to say to her. It was true that I was unsatisfied with my job and my role in the company but I didn't realize that I wore that expression day in and day out! I had allowed these feelings to sink in until they eventually became a part of my demeanor. I knew that it would require my own actions to change the course that I was on but I didn't know that the whole world knew I was miserable.

Negative self talk is something that spreads the more that we engage in it. We feed the beast when we tell ourselves that we are too fat or too skinny, too old, too dumb, too inexperienced. I decided to listen to myself for one day. Every thought that came and went was acknowledged. Was it a negative thought or was it a positive thought? I decided at the end of the day that I would never want to be friends with myself! I saved up all the positivity and kindness for everyone around me but at the end I was downright mean to myself. Who would want such a callous disbeliever as their friend? I sure didn't!

I started listening to myself daily and found a trend of negativity when it came to certain aspects of my life. I chose to focus on those and change the inner dialogue. Each time a negative feeling or thought came up I would address it and then alter the way that I spoke to myself. I took it further by incorporating a "negative thought jar". Each time a negative thought or opinion arose, I put any change I had in the jar. It forced me to stay focused on the way I treated myself.

Here are some transformed thoughts:

"You got a speeding ticket. You're such an idiot, now you have to pay a fine, go to court. What a headache!"
"You got a speeding ticket. Maybe I'll leave a little earlier next time. This was a blessing in disguise because I could have hurt myself or someone else by speeding. A fine is a whole lot better than a car accident!"

"I'm losing my house. My possessions. My livelihood. I'm done. I'm nobody. I'm a loser."
"I'm moving on to new things, new beginnings and I have my health. I am thankful to be alive."

This change in perspective is not something that some can do overnight. Not only that, it's something you must work on daily! Life is constantly tossing flowers and tropical storms our way but we must learn how to embrace our thoughts, let go of the negative and let the positive energy in.

Surround Yourself With Positive Energy.

It might take a tragedy in order to recognize who your real friends are and sometimes it takes a tragedy to recognize which friends are no good for you. Some people will stick by your side and provide positive reinforcement, healthy words and a shoulder to cry on. Other people actually enjoy feeding off the negativity and sadness. They are unhappy with something in their lives and they choose to take your breakdown and run with it.

My difficult time happened about a year ago. I started to internalize immediately and there were a few people who truly shocked me in their generosity. Their positivity helped pull me out of the abyss of darkness that I had created in my own mind. There were times I would get annoyed by their unusually bubbly words but later I understood the reason that they said the things that they said.

On the other hand, I had to say goodbye to a good number of friends as well. I realized that the relationship that we fostered was one of negativity and gossip. If the only thing that your friends want to do is speak ill about other people then they are insecure. They carry a heavy burden and sometimes a simple talk can change their path. I will speak more on awakening your family and friends with calm and steady words at a later time. Today, it is your day. Focus on yourself. If you feel uneasy around a friend or coworker then pull away. Try to pinpoint what it is that you don’t feel comfortable with.

I have always been a sensitive person. I often wondered why some people made me nervous, anxious or just plain uncomfortable. Slowly, I began to realize that my senses were telling me that the energy of these people just did not work with mine. Once I began to realize that my body was giving me sacred information, I began to put it to use. I even thanked myself and the universe for so lovingly telling me that I should not be around those people.

I removed myself from certain circles that were not right for me. Instantly, I began to feel better. More energized. These people had become energy vampires and I wanted all of my energy back! I never treated them unkindly but I slowly allowed the relationship to deteriorate or just disappear, which in my opinion was best for both of us. Other people were far more aggressive and accusatory about my intentions. I understood their frustrations and even anger. Sometimes it is not easy to explain that you have changed the way that you look at life and your role in it. I knew more than ever that I had to get away from that type of aggressive and unrelenting energy. It was just all wrong.

Today, I still meet people with energy that doesn’t work with mine. The way that I handle it now is by breathing and asking the universe to give me patience. I accept those people for who they are and I continue to move on through my journey. That’s all you can do really. Encounter, accept and release.