Critical Mind

I used to draw all the time when I was young. It was just something that I enjoyed doing. It kept my mind busy and I wasn't too bad at it either. As time wore on, I became too busy to draw. Life got serious and I put my colored pencils aside and became serious with it.

Over the last several years I have picked up drawing and painting again but I have noticed a difference. My critical mind fusses over every line and shade that I put on paper or canvas. I would draw something and then I would immediately throw it away because it was not good enough. I never showed anyone my work either. I was afraid of the reactions that I would receive. Once in a while I did show my work to someone and as they complimented me, I would interrupt by saying "It's not very good" or "I just did it for fun, I'm not an expert". I would shift around uncomfortably as they looked at my work and then I would quickly take it away from them.

Five years ago I couldn't sleep for several months. I would lay in bed and look at the ceiling until the sun came up. I watched every show on television, listened to meditation music and exercised but nothing put me to sleep. One day, I went to the art store and bought several canvases and paint on a whim. I put them in the corner of my room and that same night I began to paint. My insomnia served as my inspiration and I couldn't stop myself once I started painting. I didn't think at all. I felt every stroke of the brush on the canvas and was delighted that I was allowing all the emotions I had bottled up come rushing out. Within a few nights I had six pieces of artwork and at that point I felt as though I had expressed myself the way that I needed to.

I chose to admire my work and even framed my pieces. I touched the canvas and stared at what I had created. There was no specific technique or method but it made sense to me. A few years after that, I allowed my work to be displayed at the Women's Center at my former school. I allowed everyone to see me. It was something that I had not allowed in a long time. My soul was cloaked and I bared it all. It was so liberating and frightening at the same time!

Letting go of the critical mind is not an easy thing to do. I have to work on it daily but it is worth it. To have a moment to allow the mind to stop criticizing and start enjoying is divine.

And Then I looked Up

I didn't want to get out of bed today. It was dark and dreary and I had barely slept all night. Nightmares had kept me in an anxious state of mind so any sleep that came was shrouded in frivolous thoughts and fears. I opened my eyes this morning and I didn't want to move. My bed was toasty and it was so cold outside. My dogs were perched on the bed peering at me. I knew that if I moved then they would expect food so I continued to lay on my back and looked around me without turning my head. A few minutes later, one of the dogs moved closer and started licking my hand. For a brief moment I felt an urgency to get up and then annoyance that I would have to bundle up and walk. I put my hand on the side of my dogs face and peered into his beautiful blue eyes. It was time to get up.

With shoulders down and a cloudy eye I fed the dogs and then grumbled as I put my boots on. I always wore many layers because I knew that twenty degree weather was not something to mess with and I didn't want to catch a cold. Leggings, jeans, boots, t-shirt, sweatshirt, coat, hat and gloves. After connecting the leashes to the dogs' collars I opened the door. A blistering gust of wind hit me right in the face and took my breath away. Instantly I was shaking. We began walking and I dragged my feet. There was ice everywhere and I had fallen one too many times so I moved at a slow pace. I kept my eyes on the ground, trying to avoid the wind. It felt like it was whipping my cheeks and entering my bones. I was agitated by this and wanted the walk to be over so desperately.

I was feeling miserable and I was unsure why. I knew that I was feeling drained and that I had a lack of sleep. I was feeling sorry for myself. Geez, who else in the world had to wake up so early, bundle up and walk their dogs in the icy tundra! Life seemed so unfair and I was the only person walking that icy road.
As I continued to bask in the glory of my misery, another gust of wind tossed my hood aside. I fumbled, reached for it and then I looked up.

The sun had come up and beautiful shades of orange were gloriously painting the sky. Everything was silent and I stopped in my tracks. The various hues of blue, orange and purple were refreshing. I couldn't help but smile and after a moment of silence, I noticed a large group of birds move across the sky. They were elegant and serene.

All my misery washed away because of the glory of what was surrounding me. I hadn't even noticed it because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself and looking at the ground. I almost missed the majesty that was all around me. Almost instantly I began walking faster with a big smile on my face. My dogs picked up on my mood and started walking proudly forward. The negativity that I felt earlier was gone. Lifted from my shoulders.

Looking up saved me from having a day of sadness and misery. From one moment to the next my mood was altered because of the beautiful earth.

Energy Vampire

I usually have an abundance of energy. I wake up in the morning and feel energetic and ready to take on the world. I'm certainly a morning person and have always been. For three weeks, it felt like I had nothing left within. It was the oddest thing. I would wake up, sprawled across my bed with zero zest. I pulled my clothes on, walked the dogs and drove to work. Work was misery as well! I tried to stay awake and noticed that little things were irking me. I was not my typical social self either. Everything was a haze and I simply had nothing to offer to anyone. This is odd because I am always the person who people come to for advice. I listen, examine and give some sort of inspiration. It made me sad when I realized that I was not the lack of energy was causing my friends to stay away. Finally, it culminated when I admitted that I was unwell. The winter had done a number on me and I had a chest cold, flu and achy muscles. All the things that I was doing to get better didn't appear to be working so my energy went lower and lower.

One day I bounced back. I could feel that the energy was rising. This came after I accepted that I was physically sick and that I needed to give my body a rest. I spent an entire weekend in bed. I needed the sleep and my body thanked me for it. Sometimes we want so hard to fight the illness that the fight itself takes away all of our energy. I accepted my lowered immune system and stopped working so hard to fix it. Instead, I let my body fix itself. We can't always control everything and illness may be a way for the body to tell us to slow down. I certainly slowed down because I had no choice. 

For those three weeks I was not myself but eventually I gave my body what it needed. Peace. Silence. Serenity. I turned the lights out in my room, put an eye pillow on my eyes with the smell of lavender relaxing me and I allowed my body to pull me to slumber. 

I'm back now and I'm feeling cheerful as usual but I now know that it is pointless to fight against my own body. It knows what it needs and I must listen.